**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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