Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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