I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
