I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We have started to decorate penises.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
