wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize