I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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