the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
