Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm at about main and main street
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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