Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
