She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize