I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
