Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
