Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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