You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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