my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
