Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
