I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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