pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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