Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
