At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He called his prostate his "boner button".
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize