Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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