wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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