You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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