dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
