Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
