the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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