They should really pass out barf bags in church
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize