you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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