Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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