Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
