I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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