you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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