the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
