I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
