last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
