dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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