I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
