dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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