My nipple is on Facebook.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize