i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
