After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
