She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
