i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
