how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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