His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry about my life...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
