my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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