the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
