don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
