he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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