I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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