96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
