Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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