this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize