a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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