if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
