he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
we should paint friendship bongs
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