Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
