I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
