I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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