Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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