Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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