Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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