It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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