I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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