A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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