lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
