Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
