I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
