bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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