this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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